I guess lunch got the better of my coworker, who walked into my office to retrieve something from the printer...as he was leaving, there's this "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip" sound! I'm like, no way, he just shit his pants! And the smell...something like bean curd and soiled socks, baked in a catcher's mitt. What gives?! Do you all have a "workplace farter" in your midst?
even worse, i'm around kids all day. so those are really bad, and you REALLY can't say anything. i mean, you can't point it out and embarrass the kid. but damn.
Me too...
One of my kids farted the other day & blamed it on her Mum.
Her mum went ape-shit!
Not sure if she angry because her daughter (10 years old) farted in public or becasue she wanted to clarify that it wasn't her! ;D
Kids are so funny, they have no shame! In my first grade class last year, I had a girl who farted a lot. I found out during the first lesson I ever taught. I had the class sitting on the reading carpet and we were doing a phonics lesson. The kids were really attentive and I thought I was doing so well, then this little girl just let one rip. Of course the class thought it was hilarious, actually I did too, but I couldn't laugh because I was the teacher. I managed to get the kids focused again on our lesson, and the little girl farted again. This time everyone around her started holding their noses. It wasn't until the third time she farted that she decided she needed to go to the bathroom. She continued farting rather often for the rest of the year.
It's so easy to let one rip in the food service industry. All of the kitchens smell like so many things anyway, noone could ever pick up the fart scent. :)
this thread is hilarious! it's so funny, because i've heard my whole life that "girls don't fart" yet most of the replies here are about girls!
i may be known to let one rip from time to time at the desk. only when no one is around, and in case someone walks in i just blame it on the sewer. "damn sewer musta backed up again, it smells in here"
i have heard stories of people farting at work while in conversation with someone in a cube. what are you supposed to do?
i have heard stories of the farter saying "excuse me" like its a burb, or something, but being the grown-up that I am, i prefer to think that the proper response is to die laughing.
great thread.
Don't know if you ever heard of the term "crop dusting" when talking about passing gas.Its when someone does a walk by and a few seconds later you smell something,Thats when you been "crop dusted". ;D
or, if you're in bed with yer honey, you can pull a "dutch oven" by lettin' one rip and quickly pulling the sheets over yer honey's head so they are stuck with the emissions...as in being in a "dutch oven"... ;)
Those are "SBD",which is "Silent But Deadly".Most guys fire warning shots.
QuoteThose are "SBD",which is "Silent But Deadly".Most guys fire warning shots.
the term 'silent but violent' sometimes applies as well.
Oh my god.
Oddly enough, a good friend of mine was on a first date with a girl that he totally liked, and they were playing monopoly on his bed, and she totally let one go, and that's when he said he knew he loved her. :)
hahaha.
Quoteor, if you're in bed with yer honey, you can pull a "dutch oven" by lettin' one rip and quickly pulling the sheets over yer honey's head so they are stuck with the emissions...as in being in a "dutch oven"... ;)
But that's only on special occasions, like an anniversary, or your wedding night, right? ;)
oh no, you can dutch oven anytime...:)
so how did a sheetfart actually become a dutch oven?
the dutch don't fart in their ovens. I think.
only now do I realize the implications of my comment....so sorry!
this is what I mean by a dutch oven...
(http://www.camping-tents-food-and-gear.com/images/Lodge%20Dutch%20Oven%20-%208%20Qt.jpg)
I was just curious ;D
think I get it now
i guess since, the way a dutch oven works is you dig a hole in the coals of a fire, slap that sucker in, and then cover it with more coals, and it heats whatevers in it that way. it's pretty much the same idea, except with flatulence and methane.
QuoteI was just curious ;D
think I get it now
and here I thought I had inadvertently offended an entire nation of people with my backward ass American comments... ;)
That is fucking hilarious. I didn't even think of that. Holy crap. :)
How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.