Do you guys remember Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts? They used to show some during SNL in the '90's. I had one of the books, but have since lost it.
Anyway, I'd totally forgot about these gems until our weekly poker night this past Saturday when the topic came up in conversation.
I just wanted to see if any of y'all find these as funny as I do, and if so, what your favorite Deep Thought might be.
My faves:
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
I always did enjoy these. Got no examples off the top of my head though.
...the last time al franken was funny .... :P yeah, they were awesome
If you drop your car keys into a river of molten lava, just let em go, 'cause man, they're gone.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And, I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
...heres a whole bunch of them...
http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/
'I always thought that dogs should have bigger heads and smaller bodies...that way they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.'
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs
in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea
but it's just eggs hatching.