Mom

[bowl of soup]

I am a child of divorce.  I was raised by my Father and saw my Mother on occasion – she was this kind of silly figure on the periphery of my life.  Occasionally amusing, occasionally annoying, and, for the past 5 years, very, very sick.  My Mother had MS and while she dealt with it with minimal problems for the majority of the last 30 years, it finally took over and she lived the last 5 years of her life in a nursing home.  I cannot be sure that she knew who I was for the last 2 years.

Two weeks ago she started having a seizure that never really stopped.  She was released to hospice care last week, recovered somewhat over the weekend (she was making eye contact and responding to my voice), and finally died last night.

I was composed most of the time and was confused that I didn't feel more sadness, but I was overwhelmed with the regret and sorrow brought upon by the permanence that came last night.  I wish that I had been a better son.  I wish I could have provided her with a better environment.  I wish she had more peace.

I am not religious in any sense of the word, but I was praying actively for her to relax and let go.  I've said these prayers the last couple of trips to the hospital.  Her final hours were horrendous:  the look of her face, the gurgling sound (the "death sound" according to the hospice volunteer), the smell.

Hospice people are saints – give time and money to them if you can.

Not sure why I'm posting this here, just felt compelled to for some reason.  My mom died largely alone and this helps for some reason.  She was 61.  I miss her.

[ycartrob]

thanks for sharing that man.

And I believe you carry her gifts within you to pass onto others; seek those gifts, embrace them and give them to others.

[SMc55]

Oh soup guy I'm so, so sad to hear that. My thoughts are with you.
Take care.

[mjkoehler]

I'm sorry to hear that Soup. Losing a parent is hard. I lost my Dad when I was 17 and never dealt with it until I was 21 and it didn't go well. Do what you gotta do now to remember her in the best way and deal with your feelings. Don't let it bottle up until it explodes way latter.

And yes, Hospice workers are saints. I have no idea how they do what they do and not just be crushed by the horrors of it all.

[ItStillJaimoe]

Terrible news Soup. My thoughts are with you. I watched my father die and those images will never leave me and I don't want them to. Stay strong.

[Taterbug]

my condolences in your loss.   Being a parent myself, I am absolutely positive that you are what made her keep fighting.  We all wish we could have done something differant, but just remember the love between a son and mother is unconditional and there will always be a bond that will never be broken on earth or in heaven.  

[Mr. T.]

Your words touched my heart Soup. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I wish you and your relatives all the strenght they need.

[Jon T.]

I'm sorry for your loss, Bowl.  My heart goes out to you and your family.

[vespachick]

Oh, man.  I'm crying in the office.  I hope you stay strong and know many, many people here are sending good thoughts your way.  Peace be yours.

[megalicious]

I'm sorry to hear that, man. I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

[tbw]

I can't imagine what you must be going through. I am saddened to hear about the loss of your Mother. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

[tomEisenbraun]

I'm so sorry, man-- I can't imagine how tough that is. You've got a hell of a lot of support around here, and if you ever need to talk anything out in more depth than on a public thread, know that more than a few of us would be happy to do offer any sort of ear we can through PM's. Prayers to you, for sure, man.

[BH]

Thanks for sharing Soup.  I will be thinking of you and her.

[Killgies]

I'm sorry for your loss. My Prayers are with you.

[Penny Lane]

my condolences ....I'm so sorry for your loss, soup

[Angry Ewok]

I'm very sorry for your loss, bowl... I wish there was something more I could say.

[Jenny]

thoughts are with you, soup.

[TheBigChicken]

Soup...neighbor,friend....I was in the hospital room as brain cancer took my mothers life...I remember it like yesterday even though it's been 3 years....and your right hospice people are the most understandind hardest working people ever...the next days,weeks,maybe months are going to be tough.You start to think about things you could have said,or done....try not to be too hard on yourself...my mother wasn't the friendliest of people so it made it even harder for me to have to deal with....just know that people do care about you and WE are here if you need us. Peace and Love,
                                    John

[wharf rat]

I'm sorry for your loss, Soup.  I hope you find peace with it all.

[Sticky Icky Green Stuff]

I hope you're holding in there, sounds horrible.  wish you and your family the best