Critics and Top Ten Lists discussed

[thebigbang]

My Morning Jacket figures prominently in this discussion of how critics assemble their year end lists of 10 best albums.   It's funny how closely some of the comments appear to be on target.

http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/view.php?id=11322

Critical Breakdown

Still trying to decipher the music fascists' year-end recommendations? Here's a top-10-albums-of-'05 translation guide.
by Brian McManus


So another year has come and gone, and with it, as you may or may not have noticed, a glut of critics' top 10 lists (and yes, PW's also guilty as charged).
You can't really blame the hacks, though. It's their favorite time of the year, when you, the inferior reader, are finally exposed to the real music that made an impact last year. It was there all along; you were just too dumb to hear it.

Too dumb because you don't really love music the way the critic does. You love it as a commodity. Critics love it for all the "right" reasons. They obsess over it. It's all they talk about. They debate issues casual listeners don't even catch.

"Is Toronto the new Montreal?" "Which new Brit band should I adopt this year-Arctic Monkeys or Test Icicles?" "I still dig Interpol. Does that make me a twat?" Music critics yammer on and on about these things-and never stop.

In short, they're anal-retentive socially inadequate retards. Just replace their music compulsion with a love of, say, making peach preserves, and you begin to understand.

And like a school of fashionista fish who hate Phish, their top 10 lists are crafted with startling similarity. Each one of their picks falls into a distinct preapproved category. They are:



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The Pack Pick

Otherwise known as "conventional wisdom," this pick is simple to understand. There are certain releases every year that music critics must agree on lest they be ostracized by their peers and (gasp!) risk being banished from the pack. Look closely and you'll see three or four recurring picks on everyone's list. These are the records, the critics all agree, you'd have to be a goddamned fool not to flip your shit over.

Examples: My Morning Jacket, New Pornographers, Decemberists, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Fiona Apple, Spoon, Wolf Parade, Deerhoof, M.I.A., Dungen.

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The Pack Pick in Disguise

Critics need you to believe they're freethinking entities, unshackled and able to come up with their own choices. They aren't. Instead they offer vaguely ironic but critic-tested-and-approved artists casual readers are actually familiar with, and therefore didn't expect to see. In 2004 it was Loretta Lynn's Van Lear Rose.

Example: Neil Diamond.



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The Guilty White Liberal Pick

The overwhelming majority of rock journos are white guys who love white-guy indie guitar rock. Fact. The end of the year approaches and they panic, realizing their carefully chosen list is whiter than the driven snow. Cue attack of extreme white-boy guilt and token inclusion of black artist.

Examples: Kanye West, Common.



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The Hip-to-Them-Years-Ago Pick

Before every eighth-grade girl on the planet was into them, your local music critic saw [insert ex-cult phenomenon as applicable] play in a basement to 13 people, 12 of whom didn't pay. They loved them, even bought their self-released CD. Now that the hoi polloi have caught on, the critic has all but renounced them, as the band has compromised the things that made them great. That said, the new album is a force to be reckoned with.

Examples: White Stripes, Franz Ferdinand, My Morning Jacket.



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The Across-Genre-Lines Pick

Critics don't listen to just one type of music. Hell no! They love it all. You don't believe them? Just look at the Jamaican dub album performed by Chinese monks. That's on the list too.

Examples: Seu Jorge, any alt-country record, any hip-hop record, world music, bagpipe orchestras.



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The Inferiority Pick

American critics have a British complex. They think those wily rascals across the pond are smarter, have a sharper ear and are just plain better at this whole music writing game than they actually are. Because of this, you'll find some kowtow Brit-picks among a few lists, depending upon the particular critic's degree of insecurity.

Examples: Babyshambles, Gold-frapp, M.I.A., Lady Sovereign.



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The Sleeper

"Jesus Christ, I really can't believe everyone else slept on this record. It's fantastic. Am I the only one who sees that this album represents the future of music?" Yes, you are.

Example: You'll know it when you see it.



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The Cerebral Pick

Ever since Miles Davis' Bitches Brew, critics have felt obligated to pick at least one record that isn't accessible to the average listener-or anyone else for that matter. This pick is solely responsible for Philip Glass or anyone else who makes a career farting into an effects-rigged closet.

Example: You most likely won't be able to pronounce it.



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The Mindless "God, I'm Ironic" Pick

The absolute antithesis of the Cerebral Pick, this one is seldom used, and very risky. Going against the curve, it proves the critic doesn't always go with conventional critical wisdom. Designed to throw the reader off the trail, it says, "Yeah, it's stupid, but sometimes music is just about not caring, letting go and dancing." It's a lowbrow attempt to see eye-to-eye with the reader to help gain trust.

Examples: Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Gwen Stefani, anything "crunk."



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Now that you're armed with the tools, go out into the good night and look at as many top 10 album lists as you can find (Pitchfork is always good entertainment value, bless them). You'll notice every pick falls into one of the above categories. If it doesn't, don't be fooled. That's the critic's "out of left-field/you can't put me in a box" pick.
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Additional articles by Brian McManus:

Link Wray (Nov 30 '05)

 

[peanut butter puddin surprise]

The Hip-to-Them-Years-Ago Pick  

Before every eighth-grade girl on the planet was into them, your local music critic saw [insert ex-cult phenomenon as applicable] play in a basement to 13 people, 12 of whom didn't pay. They loved them, even bought their self-released CD. Now that the hoi polloi have caught on, the critic has all but renounced them, as the band has compromised the things that made them great. That said, the new album is a force to be reckoned with.  

Examples: White Stripes, Franz Ferdinand, My Morning Jacket.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
 

[tomEisenbraun]

Okay, so which album out there encompasses every single one of these picks? I say we try and figure that out.

[Jellyfish]

The Guilty White Liberal Pick  

The overwhelming majority of rock journos are white guys who love white-guy indie guitar rock. Fact. The end of the year approaches and they panic, realizing their carefully chosen list is whiter than the driven snow. Cue attack of extreme white-boy guilt and token inclusion of black artist.  

Examples: Kanye West, Common.  

Hhahaha.........just as I thought......no talent. ;D

[primushead]

Wow...I'm speechless.  That article pretty much sums up Pitchfork in all their infinite wisdom (as the author mentions in the latter part of the article).  Thanks for posting!

[wellfleet]

ohmygod... when i wrote my year-end piece for 2003 for a dallas paper i swore to myself that i wouldn't be one of these guys. i refused to pick obscure shit just for the sake of being cool-for-school. it's a pet peeve. there's a certain point of obscurity beyond which people stop reading.
this is a GREAT post, very a propos. there's a patented critic word! thanks bigbang.

[ratsprayer]

i think this is hilarious, in numerous ways.  you really cant win in this world when it comes to music.  either you like mainstream shit, or youre too indie and go for only obscure things.  you like what you like, bottom line.  if i put nickelback on my list, id be a mindless drone liking top 40 radio songs.  since i like the decmeberists, im too cool for school, blah blah blah.  in this day and age of criticism of anything and everything, id like to know exactly what we're supposed to like?  

anyone have any ideas?   ;D ;D ;D

[peanut butter puddin surprise]

in this day and age of criticism of anything and everything, id like to know exactly what we're supposed to like?

the dark side of the Internet:  everyone's a critic now.  There's no journalism school for music critics on the internet (just read anything anywhere on the 'net and you'll know!)...it's just like a big bathroom wall, rife with graffati that's totally worthless and out of context.  

You like what you like, and the hell with the so called know-it-alls.  That's my philosophy.  Being categorized in any way because I like Rush, for example, just smacks of elitism of the highest order.  Fuck that shit.  It's like "you're not cool if you like" or "you're not cool if you don't like".....I don't buy into that.  Morons.
 

[ratsprayer]

the dark side of the Internet:  everyone's a critic now.  There's no journalism school for music critics on the internet (just read anything anywhere on the 'net and you'll know!)...it's just like a big bathroom wall, rife with graffati that's totally worthless and out of context.  

You like what you like, and the hell with the so called know-it-alls.  That's my philosophy.  Being categorized in any way because I like Rush, for example, just smacks of elitism of the highest order.  Fuck that shit.  It's like "you're not cool if you like" or "you're not cool if you don't like".....I don't buy into that.  Morons.

youre not cool if you like rush, sorry i read that somewhere on the internet.  no wait, pavement name-checks geddy lee on "stereo", so you are cool.  well, pavement is uber-indie nonsense.  i dont know what to think anymore, im going to read and find out what i should be thinking.   :P

[wellfleet]

i'll tell you what you should be thinking! john, you're, like, married, right, you should know what that's like.  ;D
i love being married, it's the best.
regarding Rush, i think it's awesome that you like rush. not that you should care about what i think. that said, when i worked at HMV and the Rush in Rio DVD came out, we had something like a gajillion 235,987 people come and snap it up the first day. people in quebec freakin' love rush and i think that rules. i don't like rush. i like people who LOVE their music.
and rat, i ain't saying that liking obscure stuff makes youcool or uncool. you like what you like, as simple as that is. i had an art pro in college who said that only simpletons say "i like it because i like it". to that i say, bite me! i don't know why i like the harmonica on the boss' atlantic city, i just know that i like it. i didn't know 9/10 of the bands you mentioned in your best-of 2005 list and i was ashamed. but you have good taste in music so it made me want to check them out. anyway. rambling. it's ok to like nickleback. i personally don't have a problem with any type of music, even the music i don't like is meaningful to someone. what i dislike is my fellow music critics picking obscure bands ON PURPOSE so they can look good to OTHER MUSIC CRITICS. 80% of music writers do it and that makes 80% of music writers giant tools. it's the deliberate shit i don't care for. but if you genuinely love deerhoof or M.I.A. or the Decemberists then more power to ya.  :-* :-* :-*