Hey Everyone

[dragonboy]

I have told her the things I wrote above again & again. I agree that I need to show her but she's 1000s of miles away in Japan. If we were together & I could show her over a period of time that things are better then I believe we could be happy but she says shes not ready to try again & doesn't know if she ever will be...I have thought about flying back to Japan to talk to her face to face but she's told me not to do that, she has said I should wait until she's ready. All well & good in theory but there's no guarantee she ever will be ready (a few weeks ago she was saying it was over for good & wanted a divorce)

I don't want to give up but I'm really low right now. My family don't like seeing me this upset, they're worried about me & think (unless she can give some kind of deadline or something) that I should give up & move on.
I'm not angry with her but I'm not sure if she's being realistic...how long does she expect me to wait without an income? It's just so tough.

I don't want to live without her, right now I can't live withour her but it has been a couple of months & she seems to be doing OK...maybe she can live without me? Maybe she doesn't love me the way I love her?

:'(

[Penny Lane]

I have told her the things I wrote above again & again. I agree that I need to show her but she's 1000s of miles away in Japan. If we were together & I could show her over a period of time that things are better then I believe we could be happy but she says shes not ready to try again & doesn't know if she ever will be...I have thought about flying back to Japan to talk to her face to face but she's told me not to do that, she has said I should wait until she's ready. All well & good in theory but there's no guarantee she ever will be ready (a few weeks ago she was saying it was over for good & wanted a divorce)

I don't want to give up but I'm really low right now. My family don't like seeing me this upset, they're worried about me & think (unless she can give some kind of deadline or something) that I should give up & move on.
I'm not angry with her but I'm not sure if she's being realistic...how long does she expect me to wait without an income? It's just so tough.

I don't want to live without her, right now I can't live withour her but it has been a couple of months & she seems to be doing OK...maybe she can live without me? Maybe she doesn't love me the way I love her?

:'(

YOU can live w/out her, too!! Don't forget that. Remember, if she doesn't believe in it enough, then it's not meant to be. You will find strength where you never thought you had it. It's not that she doesn't love you or miss you, but remember she's at home, in her country, maybe still at the same job, with her same friends, with her parents, probably a little more stable than you are.

my advice would be tell her how you feel, lay it out, then stop trying to convince her she knows what you want and how you feel. i would just look inward, work on yourself and how you're going to get by this week to the next. find little things that make you happy and create a comfort zone in your immediate surroundings. try to reconnect w/some old friends, etc. Stay really busy, listen to tons of sad music, get it all out, then one day you'll just wanna regroup and something will be funny again.  

it's not that i'm not a romantic, but you gotta take care of yourself. :-)

[Sassbox]

What a tough situation for you.  It sounds as though her mind is made up for now and that you may want to consider starting to piece things back together for yourself.  That's not to say she won't reconsider at some point in the future, but you need to take care of you right now, one day at a time.  

Keep the communication going, but continue to be respectful of her wishes (seems that's what you're doing now), take care of yourself and hope for the best where your relationship is concerned.  Sounds as though your head is on straight despite the circumstances.

I hope that you and happiness find each other again.  Hugs.

[mjkoehler]

Listen to what the ladies have to say as they are wise. You may have to take a trip and see but only do when she feels comfortable with it. Last thing you want to do is push to hard.

[dragonboy]

Thanks again everyone, all of your advice helps a lot & is appreciated  :)

[Sassbox]

You're welcome.  I've been there (and ultimately divorced).  You're going to get through this just fine, no matter the outcome!

[Soulshine]

I have told her the things I wrote above again & again. I agree that I need to show her but she's 1000s of miles away in Japan. If we were together & I could show her over a period of time that things are better then I believe we could be happy but she says shes not ready to try again & doesn't know if she ever will be...I have thought about flying back to Japan to talk to her face to face but she's told me not to do that, she has said I should wait until she's ready. All well & good in theory but there's no guarantee she ever will be ready (a few weeks ago she was saying it was over for good & wanted a divorce)

I don't want to give up but I'm really low right now. My family don't like seeing me this upset, they're worried about me & think (unless she can give some kind of deadline or something) that I should give up & move on.
I'm not angry with her but I'm not sure if she's being realistic...how long does she expect me to wait without an income? It's just so tough.

I don't want to live without her, right now I can't live withour her but it has been a couple of months & she seems to be doing OK...maybe she can live without me? Maybe she doesn't love me the way I love her?

:'(

If she's telling you not to come back then don't. I say give her the space she's requesting. I don't think it's unfair for you to ask her to be very clear with you about whether or not she'll ever be "ready" again. Maybe she's just saying that to let you down easy or she's too afraid to just say "it's over." It's probably a scary question to ask due to the frightening answer you may receive, but I think it's totally fair. This answer may also help you to find closure and begin healing and moving on.
For now, I say listen to the other ladies.....find little enjoyable things to do. Go out and make some friends, hang out with your family. Remember what it is that YOU like and YOU enjoy....Let it be about DB for awhile. I know it seems like you just want to die and life will never get better, but it will. There's a part in the movie "Swingers" when Ron Livingston is trying to help Jon Favreau get over his break-up and he's talking about all the pain and how much it hurts and he says "every day the pain hurts a little less and then one day you wake up and its gone and you almost miss that pain." You get used to living with something for so long-even when it's a negative thing, you miss it when it's gone.
I agree with Penny. You can live without her and if this is how it's going to be then it wasn't meant to be. Trust that you're exactly where you need to be at this point in life. I know hearing that sucks especially when you're in a tough spot, but going through tough times is when we tend to grow the most as human beings.

[ALady]

db, I don't have any sage advice on this front, but I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.  

Be well.

[Love Dogg]

[highlight]YOU can live w/out her, too!! Don't forget that. Remember, if she doesn't believe in it enough, then it's not meant to be. You will find strength where you never thought you had it. It's not that she doesn't love you or miss you, but remember she's at home, in her country, maybe still at the same job, with her same friends, with her parents[/highlight], probably a little more stable than you are.

my advice would be tell her how you feel, [highlight]lay it out, then stop trying to convince her she knows what you want and how you feel. i would just look inward, work on yourself and how you're going to get by this week to the next. find little things that make you happy and create a comfort zone in your immediate surroundings.[/highlight] try to reconnect w/some old friends, etc. [highlight]Stay really busy, listen to tons of sad music, get it all out, then one day you'll just wanna regroup[/highlight] and something will be funny again.  

it's not that i'm not a romantic, [highlight]but you gotta take care of yourself. :-) [/highlight]

I highlighted everything in her post that is key and spot-on to help you through this, bro.



The only thing I would add (as the leav-ee) is that regardless of how you regret or think you feel now, you're responding to your pride a little bit.  It's hard to be the one on the receiving end of that decision.  But you have to remember the things about her that you didn't like...the things about her that didn't meet your comprimise.

Trust is the most important (intangible) thing between two people in any relationship, whether it be Eros, Philia or Agape.  If there was ever a break in trust (proven or not) it's ill-repaired...if at all.  

I don't want to be a downer, my friend...but instead, I want to be your support.  I want to help you love yourself.  If you get her back, then great.  There is a big part of your heart that is designated for her, and nobody will ever take that from you.  But at the same time, you have to decide if she deserves the rest of it.  And I'd bet (over time) you'll realize that the only person that deserves that much of your heart, is someone who understands how important it really is...what your heart means to you.  And that person will protect it as if it were theirs.

[the_wizzard]

Db, you are getting some sound advice here.  Not too much I can add but to let you know that I think it is good, honest, and fair that you put your feelings out there (more people need that emotional freedom).  But that is all you can do (ie. put it out there for your wife to hear).  Invest in yourself.  In your own happiness.  You are the only person in this whole wide world that can ultimately make you happy.  So while it is bleak now (and btw, that is normal and fine) remember that personal contentment is the goal.  Happiness is something to share, but ultimately we ourselves are the only ones who can make our perspective positive.
Sending good vibes all the way to Spain.

[Sparkle]

Sorry to hear about your troubles db but it looks as though you are getting some pretty good advice here. Glad to see you are back on the board though - I was recently in South Korea and as we looked towards Japan from Busan (through the haze and pollution mind you) I remember thinking that that's where that nice guy from the MMJ board lives and hoped he would be back soon. I'm sure the board will be a welcome distraction.

Look after yourself.

[dragonboy]

I am genuinely touched by the amount of time & effort people have taken to make comments & give advice. I have read all your posts, some more than a few times and want to thank you all again.

I felt good after reading some of your comments yesterday so decided to try & kick the 'woe is me!' attitude (at least for a few hours! haha) & went for a run whilst listening to Okonokos.

I appreciated the scenery & decided I do have a lot to be thankful for...I may not have a house of my own but at least I do have somewhere to stay & let's face it there are far worse places I could be living than Spain. Both of my sisters have said I can stay with them in the UK if I want to until I get 'back on my feet'
I may not have any friends to go out with but I do have people I can call if I need to talk & it is nice to know that there are so many people here who care.
I may not have a job but I do have some savings to see me through...

You know how it is, trying to see the glass as half full rather than half empty  ;)

Thanks again everyone, I've said it before & I'll say it again - there are some really good people here!

[The DARK]

Glad you're doing your best to feel better... being mentally strong is one of the most underrated traits a person can have. Have faith, my friend!

I've always wanted to visit Spain. It seems like a place with a really unique vibe. Appreciate it for me while you're there por favor  :).

[Soulshine]

Hey DB-
How are the days treating you? I know it takes a while, but I hope things are starting to look up.  :)

[fitzcarraldo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwaQouvXmGE

[dragonboy]

Hey DB-
How are the days treating you? I know it takes a while, but I hope things are starting to look up.  :)

Thanks for asking Soulshine - it's been a strange week. I decided I had to start making plans to move on & told my wife this who then said she was ready to give us one more chance?!! Her parents aren't too happy about this & are doing everything they can to try & stop us seeing each other again. We're taking things slow, my parents are happy to have me here for as long as it takes....still not sure what will happen & when but I feel a lot better than I did a few weeks ago.

[Soulshine]

Hey DB-
How are the days treating you? I know it takes a while, but I hope things are starting to look up.  :)

Thanks for asking Soulshine - it's been a strange week. [highlight]I decided I had to start making plans to move on & told my wife this who then said she was ready to give us one more chance?!! [/highlight]Her parents aren't too happy about this & are doing everything they can to try & stop us seeing each other again. We're taking things slow, my parents are happy to have me here for as long as it takes....still not sure what will happen & when but I feel a lot better than I did a few weeks ago.

It always seems to happen like that, doesn't it!? I wish you the very best either way. I'm happy to hear that you are doing better.  :)

[Penny Lane]

yes, keep us posted. i hope things work out!  ;)

[Sassbox]

That's great news for a Monday morning!

[weeniebeenie]

Hope it works out DB.