Relationship help/long rant

[katkillad]

Actually, I just want someone else to tell me I am sain.  I'm 23 and so is the gf, so its not like i'm 16 and crying about silly things.  ( Sorry if you are 16 )  I figured why not ask for some advice from fellow mmj appreciators?  I am graduating soon and basically my future decisions are staying here with her/marriage or moving to japan with my friend to teach english for a few years.

So my gf will not make solid plans with me.  It's like pulling teeth.  So all this week i've been trying to get her to go to a movie this friday.  I gave her plenty of notice so she could not make an excuse or come up with other plans.  My cousin, who is like a brother to me, married her best friend and we hang out with them so I invited them along and told them to try to get her to go...since she never listens to me.  Turns out, her sisters...friends...dad died and she was going to the visitation on friday. This was completely understandable, but keep in mind thats a distant relationship since she really didnt know her sisters friend.  

So she told me she didnt have to be there all night and would call me when it was over.  Three and a half hours later she calls and says she doesnt want to go to the movies because she is too tired.  I did not give her too much grief for that, but I was disappointed.  Since we werent going to the movies my cousin wanted to play cards and all the girls could hang out on their own.  I said I didn't want to play cards.  This turns into her telling me I just dont want to hang out with our friends when I was the one who invited them in the first place.  If she decided she didnt want to go to the movies then why couldnt I decide not to go to my cousins?

We hung out once this entire week for about 2 hours.  I've never had a girl fight so much against wanting to spend time with her.  Shouldn't I get upset at things like this?  She has a way of making me feel like its my fault.    

[peanut butter puddin surprise]

yo, that's a dilly of a pickle.  how long have y'all been an item?  

[lyricjunkie]

ok... remember I am very female.

It doesn't matter how long you have been going out.  If you are wanting to spend all of her free time together then back off.  If that isn't the case, then it doesn't sound like she's really interested in long term plans with you.  

I'm only speaking from my personal experience, but if I'm interested in a man or want to keep a relationship (even just friends) going, I'm gonna make plans and keep in touch.  Even if they piss me off, eventually, if I really care about them/him, I keep in touch and want to spend time with that person.

Good luck with this one.  Maybe she's scared that you are gonna ask her to get married before she's ready.

[katkillad]

yo, that's a dilly of a pickle. How long have y'all been an item? ?

pardon that rant...i was a little drunk when i wrote it. I've known her since 2000, we've been dating on and off for about 3 years. He have had problems ever since.

[katkillad]

ok... remember I am very female.

It doesn't matter how long you have been going out. If you are wanting to spend all of her free time together then back off. If that isn't the case, then it doesn't sound like she's really interested in long term plans with you. ?
I'm only speaking from my personal experience, but if I'm interested in a man or want to keep a relationship (even just friends) going, I'm gonna make plans and keep in touch. Even if they piss me off, eventually, if I really care about them/him, I keep in touch and want to spend time with that person.

Good luck with this one. Maybe she's scared that you are gonna ask her to get married before she's ready.

The thing is, we've always had problems. I have never felt like shes actually been 100% interested in me just because she never shows it at all, but friends and family that I trust greatly tell me how miserable she is and how in love with me she is when we aren't together. When we are together, she is amazing for about 1 week then things like above keep happening and happening.

It's not that I want to spend all of our freetime together. We don't spend time together. If I could have one day a week I would be happy at this point. We ran an errand together for school and she considers that our "spending time" for the day. ?

She definately is worried about me asking to marry her before she is ready. I'm not thinking about it for another year, but if shes not ready or we arent together for a consistant amount of time til then...i'm leaving the country. If I don't leave this place then things will go back and forth between us for the rest of my life and I can't deal with that.

[SMc55]

Go to Japan. You'll regret it if you don't. By the sound of things marriage is the last thing you two should be considering.

Just my opinion - good luck whatever you decide to do.

[MMJ_fanatic]

different perspective:  stop initiating things on your end so much relax with your buds and if she really likes you she will become interested in why you aren't asking for her time as much

[marktwain]

relax with your buds

heh heh... bud

[Elizanne33]

  Two hours of non-quality time together in one week doesn't sound too good.  Sometimes people don't appreciate the things they have right in front of them.  It sounds like when you two are together she isn't very interested in making things work but when you are apart she misses you very much.  Maybe she needs to mature a little and some space between you may not be a bad idea. Your chance to go to Japan may be a once in a lifetime experience and a chance for you both to grow in the time you will be apart.
  Marriage is a big step that you don't want to rush. Before you propose you really need to make sure that you both are ready, and you need to hear it from her and not from a third party no matter how much you trust them.  You definitely want to feel loved and appreciated in the beginning of a marriage, because if you don't feel that now it ain't gettin any better.
  You need to think about what you want to experiece in life, you are both young and have time to have other life experiences before getting married.  I'm not saying you should give up on her, but you shouldn't give up on your opportunities for someone who isn't giving much to your relationship. Hope things work out.

[lyricjunkie]

I agree with all the above...
Go to Japan and if it's supposed to be it will happen when you return... or you may find the "one" over there...you never know.  

Look at it this way... do you want to feel this way your whole life...drunk or sober?

Good luck.

if she really likes you she will become interested in why you aren't asking for her time as much

hmmmm...a little inside infor about boys. hahahaha :D :-*

[MMJ_fanatic]

hmmmm...a little inside infor about boys. hahahaha :D :-*

 :-*

[katkillad]

Yea, if I don't go to japan and things don't work out I will hold it against her for the rest of my life. I swear she is just relationship challenged... That was some great advice Elizanne33. Same to you MMJ_fanatic, but unfortunately I don't think i'm strong enough to try it. There is just a fine line between being with her and not being with her. I mean I could leave her today and be alright with it after tonight. However, if we are "together" it is almost impossible to want to spend what little time we have away from each other. ?

I really wish she would just open her eyes. I would do whatever I could in my power to make things work and make her happy...maybe she just doesnt want that. I heard this quote today while watching a questionably good movie..."Maybe love shouldn't be such hard work."  ( I like quotes and I view them as signs sometime...)

[MMJ_fanatic]

I hear what you're saying my friend but the longer you hold out hope the harder the crush will be if it comes to that.  go explore for sure, you will kick yourself later if you pass on the orient.  just be careful and think about yourself. ;)

[peanut butter puddin surprise]

Dude, take it from someone who knows:  don't base your identity on who you are with.  Not to sound like the old fogey, but you are young and have a very long time to explore who YOU are before making a commitment to someone who may or may not have the same feelings as you do.

It's hard, but go to Japan and be yourself.  If you love somebody, set them free-if she loves you at all, she'll understand choosing Japan.  

Me and mrsjohnconaway have been together for 16 years.  (were you 7 when we met?  holy crap!)  like everyone, we have problems-but it works because we've had all that time to figure out who we are.  

[havibulin]

I mean I could leave her today and be alright with it after tonight.

This pretty much answers your question for itself...doesnt it?

[katkillad]

This pretty much answers your question for itself...doesnt it?

This stuff just happens so often.  There is such a long story to this, but its not worth telling.  Not being with her is easier and less stressful than trying.  Nobody believes me when I say it, but I know she is meant for me and I know she loves me back...we just have too many problems.  I need attention/affection, maybe more than some people, and she has problems giving it.  Shes just made such an impact on my life and it would be unfair to anyone else for me to ever try a serious relationship.  I've met the sweetest girls at college...but all I end up doing is upsetting/hurting them.

*Small update...  

We arent talking anymore again...  Basically we argued over the first story i mentioned and she was trying to tell me I was wrong about everything.  The fight led to other things and she decided that she was going to go to a party instead of talking and trying to work things out.  I guess "working things out" is pretty impossible anyways.  

[lyricjunkie]

 :-/sorry 'bout the difficulties you're having.  Keep your chin up and just look around... 8)there's plenty more swimmin' about.   ;)

[MMJ_fanatic]

fuckin' A right brother!  she has made it extrememly evident that she doesn't want to commit--now is the time to protect yourself!

[MikeHawk]

me and my gf just broke up after almost 3 years. sucks but i guess now it's me time and i can live with that. nobody said you have to be married at 24 and have kids at 26 or any other bullshit like that. do what you want to do and if she wants you she will be there.

[peanut butter puddin surprise]

Move on, my brother.  Anyone who decides to make that choice (going to a party instead of working it out) should be moved on from.

Say, where are you in the world, and can we help?