jokes

[EC]

one time, a long time ago, i made it my mission to post a joke every day from a book called "101 hamburger jokes" (which was my favourite book at the time)

i think i got to about 12 and maybe lost interest.

but i loooove jokes.

so tell me your faves!!

[ycartrob]

one time, a long time ago, i made it my mission to post a joke every day from a book called "101 hamburger jokes" (which was my favourite book at the time)

i think i got to about 12 and maybe lost interest.

but i loooove jokes.

so tell me your faves!!

something tells me you may have opened a can of worms, but...   :-/

Here's one I made up:

My sister won 2nd Prize in a passive-aggressive contest but refused to accept her trophy...

[vespachick]

I love jokes too, but I always forget them.  But this one, THIS ONE, I never forget because it's so awesome (it helps a lot if you can do a good Irish accent when delivering.  I can't.):

Two leprechauns walk up to a nunnery and ring the bell. After a few moments, Mother Superior answers the door.

Leprechaun #1: Good evening Mother Superior, we were just wondering if you have any leprechaun nuns about?

Mother Superior: No, my child.

Leprechaun #1: Well, Mother Superior, do you know where we might find a leprechaun nun?

Mother Superior: No, my child.

Leprechaun #1: Well pardon me Mother, but have you ever SEEN a leprechaun nun?

Mother Superior:  Why, no, my child.




Leprechaun #1 to Leprechaun #2: See, I told you you fucked a penquin!

[EC]

this is my fave:

so a skeleton walks into a bar and says "bartender, gimme a beer and a mop."


another one i'm fond of is:
"why don't seagulls fly close to the bay?"
"b/c then they'd be bagels."

we need a drumroll emoticon.
also, dean martin's celebrity roasts had the best jokes ever.
the new celebrity roasts are funny, but they don't have the same kind of style.  

[The DARK]

so a guy walks into the bar. bartender says "hey, that must've hurt".

[primushead]

What do you call a black guy who...

...nah, I'll pass on that.

Here's one though:

So, I went to the butcher's yesterday, and bet him fifty dollars that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

;D ;D

[ycartrob]

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.
-
Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
-
Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness
-
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.
-
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.
-
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.
-
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
-
Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, "Thank you."
-
Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"
Master: "Ask that post over there."
Disciple: "I don't understand"
Master: "Neither do I."
-
Q: How do I become a Lama?

A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.
-
Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A:  Because Buddhists don't have any soul.

[LEATHER KID]

Did y'all hear  the Paul McCartney and Heather Mills divorce case is now over and it turns out that the judge ruled that Sir Paul gets to keep everything and Heather doesn't get shit.

Yup, the judge said she didn't have two legs to stand on.

OHH SNAAAP! ;D

[mjkoehler]

this is my fave:

so a skeleton walks into a bar and says "bartender, gimme a beer and a mop."

Truly one of the classics.

I cannot take credit for this. This comes from the genius that is John Fox.

Guys walks into a store and the sign at the counter said: Cheese Sandwiches $2, Hand Jobs $10.

Guys says to the clerk, "Excuse me Miss, are you the one that gives the hand jobs?"

She said, "Yes I am!"

"Well wash your hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!"

[MMJ_fanatic]

also, dean martin's celebrity roasts had the best jokes ever.
the new celebrity roasts are funny, but they don't have the same kind of style.  

You got that sooooo right Great White North Girl!

[Taterbug]

My better half just emailed me this one.

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in
a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Nancy asked if there was anything wrong,
"Yes, Nurse Nancy," said Mr. Wallace,
"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad. "

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my
condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall
with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas."

He met Nurse Nancy. " Mr.Wallace, "she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Nancy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well", he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[EC]

haha tracy. zenerd. ;)

OK PEOPLE THESE ARE WONDERFUL JOKES LET'S KEEP 'EM COMING!!

[EC]

let's see if i can remember this proper:

so there's a big dance coming up.  charles has been seeing a therapist for quite some time regarding a self esteem problem.  back in the war, charles lost his eye, but through the miracles of science, he was fitted with quite a stunning wooden eye replacement.  

however, after 7 long years without an eye, he found that he had disassociated himself with the world, and more especially, with women.  he couldn't speak to women at all for all those years.  but now, with the help of his lovely therapist named mathilde, he has been working himself.  he has a goal - he wants to go to the event and ask a lady to dance.  

maaaaaaaan, is he nervous.  every time he thinks about it he wants to throw up.  but finally the night comes, and he is ready.  he had an emergency session with the encouraging mathilde.  he's wearing some new clothes, and he's feeling really great.

so he gets there, and everybody's dancing waltzes all over the place.  dance cards are filling up like rain buckets in a storm, and everybody seems so happy and excited.  charles is feeling scared but determined.  he begins to scope the joint out with his one good eye.  not too many wallflowers here, but... oh here we go.  he sees a woman standing by herself.  she seems very shy and charles falls in love with her instantly.

he starts to walk towards her.  he falters for a moment, but keeps reminding himself of his goal.  he reaches to where she's standing, and she looks up.  she looks just as scared as he is, so he takes the plunge:

"excuse me, would you care to dance?"
"would i? would i!"
"BIG NOSE! BIG NOSE!"

asdfjdfasjl

[dragonboy]

I'm sure we had another Jokes thread a couple of years back but I can't find it...

Here's my all time fav: What's brown & sticky?

A stick.

[EC]

i think you're right, db, b/c i DEF remember that stick joke.  that's a good one.

i probably started that other thread, but maybe it got lost in the big transfer of... (2005?6?)  anyhow, in my opinion, we can never have enough jokes.  especially at the end of febdrearyary.

[MMJ_fanatic]

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.

At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"

[EC]

 [smiley=vrolijk_1.gif]





ps: vrolijk=lively
haha.

[MMJ_fanatic]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the ground and listens.

"Buffalo come," Tonto says.

"How do you know that?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Ear sticky."

[ycartrob]

a friend of mine is bartending one Halloween night. A regular at the bar (whom my friend described as a rich pompus ass who liked putting my friend in a subservient role) walks in dressed like Jesus. So, he's getting lots of attention and laying hands on people, etc... and he walks up to the bar and says in a very holy and ethereal tone, "Glas of wine" and everyone chuckles,
so my buddy, without missing a bit, pours him a glass of water and places it in front of him and then goes on with his business of taking drink orders.

[LEATHER KID]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One looks to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?" ;D